Belonging
I spent the weekend with my wife and went to our home church and it was … fine. At church, I told my wife I was feeling anxious, exposed, like I had a scarlet “A” on my chest (for alcoholism), and something just felt “off.” She explained that it was something I was feeling or projecting and not the vibe at all. Everyone, of course, was loving and happy to see me. So, I’m sure she was right. But that doesn’t change the fact that was how I was feeling. A part of me was screaming at me and I couldn’t give it the time to figure out what it was.
Later that afternoon, my dog, Eden, and I got back to the apartment and fell quickly back into our routine — took her out so she could use the bathroom, fed her, fixed a small meal, did some reading, watched some television, and went to bed around 8:30 (I know, but I’m trying to get 7-8 hours sleep a night). But, I didn’t sleep well. I was up around midnight-ish and then tossed and turned, catnapped, and had several dreams. I woke up exhausted.
The dreams were all the same. I was working at a place I’ve never been or seen before. And my “place” was a distance away from other places — like a huge, one story warehouse with offices in the front and the warehouse in the back. I had to go through the front to get to the back, but I kept getting lost. There was a woman in the office part of the building who seemed to be on the look out for me. Every time she saw me, she asked me, “What are you doing here?” I explained that I was trying to get to my station but kept getting lost. When I awoke to the dreaded sound of the alarm at 5am, I was still confused.
During morning prayer, the thought came to me, “That’s what I was feeling yesterday — that I didn’t belong.” I’m sitting with that today — that sense of “not belonging.” And as I typed that, the thought came, “It’s because everything’s upside down. This is a new part of your journey. It’s unfamiliar for a purpose.” I can’t rely on the way I used to do things. G*d’s doing something new in me and it’s uncharted territory. I have to sit in this uneasiness. I have to trust G*d like never before.
I have a feeling I won’t feel like I belong for a long, long time.
~~~
In the Love of the Three in One,
Br. Jack+, LC
Dear Jack+, I hear such hope and potential in your words here. I remember going 'home' to a family gathering soon after my divorce. I cut out a red D and pinned it under the collar of my coat and showed it to one of my sisters, to show how I felt - that the shame of divorce colored my relationships in a new way now. And to some extent it did - how could it not?
I cannot say how your particular situation will resolve, or where and how you will find belonging again, but I can say that you will find it. God will bring you where you need to be, and surround you with the people you need. Some of them you already know, some will be new to you. Just remember that you deserve to belong somewhere, because you are beloved child of God. Everything else will follow in its own time.
Blessings, brother.